I’ve probably been playing small all of my life given the fact that I’m a member of the “short people” population, and therefore, have always been in front where I was forced to endure a spotlight. In some cases, it was no problem, such as a group photo or class picture. But when it came to singing in the children’s church choir, it was a painful experience. My vocal chords refused to harmonize, I did not have Mama’s talent, and the church ladies in the front pews were looking down my throat as I sung off-key.
I felt like I was on full spotlight. Or so it seemed. The gaze of the church ladies, dressed all in white with dollies atop their heads and white gloves adorning their hands, was fierce. At least upon me—the one child singing off-key, or so I imagined. I wanted to lip-sync but that would have been too obvious. After all, I was in the choir’s first row, right behind the pulpit area—front and center—and therefore, concluded that faking it would be even worse.
I dreaded every second.
It did not matter that we were the church’s darlings once a month when we performed. All I knew was that I could not wait until it was over. But we always, as the darlings we were, sang more than one song to the delight of parents and church elders. But since Daddy was the father and I was the child, even though my parents were separated and I lived with my mother and siblings, it did not matter that I could not sing. All that mattered was that most of the church’s children were members of the children’s choir, and by default, so was I.
I can't quite remember if my sister, two years younger, also had to endure such fate. I loved the songs we sang, and would have loved to sing along, if only I could sing and sing in harmony.
Perhaps, these were the defining moments when I first began to play small. But it was only in certain situations throughout my childhood. There were other avenues at the time, as was the case later in life, where I excelled, moved forward, and never looked back, or played small. What comes to mind immediately is grammar school and stringing together each week’s new spelling words, and weaving them into wonderful stories. My classmates enjoyed hearing my stories just as much as I enjoyed writing and reading them. Thus I knew from an early age that I was going to be a writer.
But how do these scenarios factor into our lives when the time comes for us put away our foolish ways and enter adulthood? And as adults, how do we reckon with the fact that we still freeze up—and dread every moment—when we must step into the spotlight, and those church ladies still haunt us? We find ourselves easily reverting back to playing small, returning to our comfort zones. We find ourselves hiding, trying to disappear, and dreading every moment.
In reality, life is our stage, and whether the spotlight shines brightly, or dims, we can be certain that it will remain an integral part of our life even if we become a hermit. Yes, even if we succeed in obtaining seclusion, our subconscious—and our conscious—will shine the spotlight on us. We will become witness—like those church ladies—unto ourselves.
Past grammar school and the church ladies, there were also the judges who pointed out that I had a lisp, as if I didn’t know, when I competed in high school speech tournaments. Many years later, Barbara Walters’ success despite her lisp would inspire, comfort and empower me. But as a teenager, I probably began to play small again even though not all of the judges even acknowledged my lisp in their comments when scoring me. Instead they focused on the content of my speech, and even scored me high enough at times to move to the next competitive round. Nonetheless, it was still taxing, and I was still playing small. And I am sure as a result, I made excuses on the number of speech tournaments I was able to compete in. Only my love of writing oratory content, and having a message I wanted to convey, allowed me to override the “playing small” game and enter the tournaments that I did in the first place. But giving the speech, and assuming the spotlight, still made me want to recede into invisibility. I always suffered with stomach butterflies until my presentation was over, reverting back to my Sunday pain in the church choir.
There was also the clarinet incident in elementary school when I played a note off-key during an evening recital in the school auditorium. My note—after the fact—just hung in the air, hovering over all of us, and I was once again spotlighted as the guilty party.
Being different, perhaps, also made me play small as a child. Louisiana became our new home when my father prepared to retire from his military career. Louisiana was the home of his ancestors, of his father. And even though he grew up in Galveston, Texas, my father spent plenty of summers with his relatives in the Bayou State.
When we arrived in Louisiana as army brats, it was obvious that we were different. We talked funny to the locals, and there were other obvious and extenuating things. But that never hindered us through the years from following the footsteps of our older sister and becoming popular and active in school, and excelling academically. These actions were probably why my friends laughed at times when I said I was shy because I was so personable and outgoing. I wanted to confess that being outgoing was really a facade to get me through life’s moments until I was able to revert into quiet space. And re-energize. Not until many years later was I was able to recognize—and self-diagnose—myself as an introvert. And in doing so, I also realized that being an introvert was one of the reasons why I had subconsciously—and consciously—been playing small all of my life.
I look back on my years, and realize that my excuses of being busy and unable to attend events, especially when I was the editor/copublisher of Creole Magazine, was really the introvert inside me trying to protect me. It was not that I didn’t like people, but I liked them more on a one-to-one basis than in a large crowd. Perhaps, I felt that hidden, or around every corner, were the church ladies in waiting—waiting to stare down my throat and bear witness that I was screwing up again. And so I played small at times, and banished the church ladies along with their disapproving glares.
Today I can blame playing small on fear of failure, fear of shining, fear of success—fear of the spotlight because we feel that we are often on full blast. And we believe that everyone can see us, especially when the spotlight is on full blast too. What playing small boils down to is self-doubt and lack of confidence. These are two traits that weave our anxiety and all of our fears together.
Too many times—even one is too many—I have allowed people to take away my confidence, and leave me as an empty shell. Then one day I faced reality, a first step in the healing process, and realized that no one had taken—or stolen, as it always seemed—my confidence. Instead I had freely and knowingly, perhaps a little subconsciously, given it away. Once again, I had used this logic as an excuse to retreat into safe space where the church ladies were nowhere on the radius, and there was no one else to scorn me or be disappointed in me.
BUT—and it is a big one—at a turning point, when there are more years behind us or a crisis befalls, we become cognizant—truly cognizant—that we do not want to encounter the same regrets that we are told people have on their dying beds. They are considered as the regrets of life, and they are never regrets about what they did. Instead they are regrets about what they did NOT do. And many times they did not do because they were too busy playing small.
Throughout my years as a journalist, and even in everyday encounters, I have met people who cannot wait to retire so that they can finally do what they dreamed about doing all of their life. Of course, we understand that life gets in the way of our dreams and goals. But we allow ourselves to often reach a point where we fear that it is too late because we are too old, our children or parents need us, our job or career is too demanding, our boss too crazy, or our bills too many—to grow into our true purpose. We believe that we have no choice, no option, no alternative than to keep our dreams on hold. In doing so, we put our life on pause even though it appears to be moving forward. However, as noted before, such decisions do not stop our clock from ticking, and nor do they stop us from playing small.
We have such a little time in life to carve out our desires and pursue our goals. But we must take the time—allot ourselves the necessary time—to learn how to STOP playing small. Even if we do so in only one small area in our life, we are already a step ahead. Once we choose an area, let’s go for the gusto and never look back. Let’s take baby steps and rebuild our confidence slowly. Perhaps as a child, and like me, you had a favorite book. Mine was the Little Ballerina and I dreamed about being one. Published in 1958, it has become a collectible.
Whatever our dreams were does not mean they have to die in our childhood. We still have time revive it. I never became a ballerina but took a ballet class in college, enjoyed ballet performances, and have paintings of ballerinas hanging on my wall. We live in a digital word where we can download videos or opt in to online courses on whatever subject we enjoy, and allow our passion to grow. And soar.
Remember also, most public libraries offer free access to online courses so it does not cost us a thing, and universities and community colleges allow us to audit courses so we don't have to worry about making a good grade. Perhaps, we always wanted to an artist rather than an attorney, or vice versa? While it is never too late, always keep in mind that even though the clock is ticking, we determine how to spend its minutes. We also determine how much or how little we want to enjoy growing into our purpose.
And as each action we take grows, so does our confidence, and we soon discover that our purpose in life is much more important than playing small. And like David, we also discover that it only takes a small stone—compounded by faith and confidence—to slay our Goliath.
While these may seem like simplistic recommendations, they are often the exact actions that we need to take.
Manufacturing confidence is not an easy task that we can do, or should do. Instead we must “grow” our confidence, and in turn, grow into our purpose. As with anything, we must first plant the seeds in our lives and work steadily—watering and nourishing them along the way—to ensure our windfall harvest. However, we must accept that there will be times when we will face droughts in our life. But—there will also be times when our cup runneth over.
Before we venture too far, how exactly do we know if we are even playing small? How can we tell? What if we consider ourselves to be successful in our own right? After all, what if our bills are paid, our investment accounts steadily growing, our children and parents doing well, we're happy with our better half, or we’re excited about meeting new people? What if we’re out sightseeing, touring the world, and enjoying family and friends? And what if we're just loving to cuddle up each evening with a plush blanket and a good novel? How are any of these situations considered as playing small? Especially when we are happy? How do we know?
Well, we know because the truth prevails. It always rises to the top, or shines the brightest. We inanely know because we are not enacting our God-given talent that we’ve been blessed with despite negativity in our life. We know because we feel off kilter, and our passion is missing from our life. OK, now that we know, what do we do when we lack confidence to proceed?
Also, there will always be that little nagging voice in our heads, in our hearts, reminding us that we are playing small. And while we can continue to ignore it, and try to drown it out, it is not going anywhere. Back to the question of how do we know if we are playing small? Are there signs and/or symptoms?
Yes, but to assist us in identifying them, and to summarize them in a concise manner, I put the task to ChatGPT, one of several artificial intelligence platforms.
SIGNS YOU’RE PLAYING SMALL
Playing small, according to ChatGPT, refers to living beneath your potential or limiting yourself due to fear, self-doubt, or a lack of confidence. Recognizing these sign(s) is the first step, and it can be a baby one, in your journey ahead. According to ChatGPT, these signs “often point to limiting beliefs or habits that prevent you from stepping into your full potential. Recognizing them is the first step to changing your mindset and taking bolder actions.”
1. Constantly Seeking Approval
You make decisions based on what others think, avoiding taking risks or expressing your true self to keep others happy.
2. Avoiding Challenges
You avoid stepping out of your comfort zone, refusing to take on new opportunities or challenges that could help you grow.
3. Fear of Failure Holds You Back
You hesitate to pursue dreams or goals because you're more focused on the possibility of failure than on success.
4. Underestimating Your Abilities
You downplay your talents, skills, or achievements, telling yourself you’re not good enough or capable of achieving more.
5. Settling for Less
You stay in situations (jobs, relationships, environments) that don’t fulfill you because you believe you can’t do better or you don't deserve better.
6. Procrastination
You constantly put off taking action on your goals, often because you're afraid of what success might bring or worried about being judged.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others
You compare your progress and achievements with others, which makes you feel inadequate, even if you’re succeeding in your own right.
8. Making Excuses
You regularly find excuses to avoid pursuing dreams, whether it's a lack of time, money, or skills, instead of seeking solutions or finding a way forward.
9. Downplaying Your Dreams
You tell yourself that your dreams are too unrealistic or too big, and you choose smaller, “safer” goals that don't challenge or inspire you.
10. Not Speaking Up
You stay quiet in situations where your opinion, ideas, or voice could make a difference, out of fear of judgment or rejection.
11. Saying “Yes” Too Often
You overcommit to things that don’t align with your goals or values, fearing rejection or wanting to please others, even at the expense of your own priorities.
12. Avoiding Leadership Roles
You shy away from taking on leadership positions or responsibilities, even when you’re qualified, because you doubt your ability to succeed.
13. Minimizing Your Achievements
When you achieve something, you either dismiss it as luck or coincidence or fail to celebrate it, diminishing your own successes.
14. Staying in Your Comfort Zone
You resist learning new skills, meeting new people, or exploring new places, preferring the familiarity of what’s comfortable and known, even if it limits growth.
15. Letting Fear Control Your Decisions
You make choices based primarily on fear—fear of judgment, fear of failure, or fear of success—rather than considering what you truly want and what will benefit your growth.
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Any of them sound familiar? I know I could check off every last one of them. But I think the one that concerns me the most is No. 5: Settling for Less. That one stands out like a sore thumb, and moreover, as a tragedy to all if we continue to allow it to exist—literally and figuratively—in our world of abundance.
Recognizing, and reviewing the list may seem the easy part, especially if we are already familiar with these traits. But—we might be asking ourselves—what’s next? How do I overcome these signs that seem more like ill-gotten symptoms? No worries. Gotcha you covered on that as well, thanks to concise AI recommendations on what to do.
HOW TO GROW IN YOUR PURPOSE
First of all, we must keep in mind that AI represents what has been put it. We often hear the phrase: Garbage in, garbage out! But let’s focus instead on the opposite: Treasure in, treasure out!
Therefore, let the following recommendations and tips guide you as you grow into your purpose, and fulfill and celebrate your days, talent and potential. I also offer additional resources, including planners and journals, which will assist you on your journey:
1. Clarify Your Values
Take time to understand what truly matters to you in life, such as your passions, values, and long-term desires. Align your actions with those core values.
2. Set Clear Intentions
Define your goals and set clear intentions for how you want to live your life, making sure they reflect your purpose.
3. Listen to Your Inner Voice
Trust your intuition and inner wisdom, rather than relying solely on external opinions and expectations.
4. Surround Yourself with Positive Influences
Cultivate relationships with people who inspire, support, and encourage you to pursue your highest potential.
5. Take Small Steps Daily
Consistently take small actions toward your purpose, even when the end goal feels far away. Progress is key.
6. Embrace Discomfort
Growth often happens outside your comfort zone. Be willing to step into discomfort, knowing that it’s a sign of growth.
7. Be Patient with the Process
Understand that finding and living your purpose is a journey, not an instant destination. Allow time for growth and transformation.
8. Develop a Growth Mindset
Adopt a mindset that sees challenges and failures as opportunities for learning, rather than as setbacks.
9. Reflect Regularly
Regularly assess your progress and reflect on whether your actions align with your purpose. Journaling can be a powerful tool for this.
10. Pursue Continuous Learning
Keep educating yourself, whether through books, courses, or experiences, to sharpen your skills and expand your understanding of your purpose.
11. Let Go of Limiting Beliefs
Identify and release limiting beliefs about yourself, your abilities, or what’s possible. Replace them with empowering thoughts.
12. Practice Gratitude
Cultivate gratitude for where you are on your journey, while still keeping an eye on where you want to go. This keeps you grounded and motivated.
13. Learn to Say “No”
Protect your time and energy by saying “no” to opportunities, people, or situations that don’t serve your purpose or distract you from your path.
14. Visualize Your Future
Spend time visualizing what your life would look like if you were fully living your purpose. This strengthens your resolve and brings clarity.
15. Be Authentic
Honor who you are by staying true to yourself. When you act authentically, you naturally grow into your purpose.
16. Take Responsibility
Own your life and decisions. Don’t wait for external circumstances to align perfectly before acting on your purpose.
17. Seek Mentors or Coaches
Connect with people who have experience and insight in areas related to your purpose. They can guide and challenge you to grow.
18. Contribute to Something Bigger
Find ways to serve others or contribute to a cause. Purpose is often found in how we impact the lives of others.
19. Celebrate Your Progress
Acknowledge and celebrate milestones along your journey. Recognizing your progress keeps you motivated and engaged.
20. Trust the Process
Believe that everything you go through is preparing you for your purpose. Trust that you are exactly where you need to be in your journey right now.
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Please feel free to comment, and even share one of the ways that you were—or are—playing small, and which recommendation(s) you implemented or will introduce into your life to grow into your purpose. You can do this! It will not only empower you, but will help you to inspire others!
As someone recommended to me, I now have the pleasure of recommending to you: Secrets of the Millionaire Mind: Mastering the Inner Game of Wealth. No, it does not mean you have to become a millionaire. But it sures helps you to grasp how your past may be holding you back in ways you never dreamed about, or always believed were due to fate or bad luck! The author lets you know in most cases they are not the culprit. Instead what determines your path is how you grew up and issues along the way that influenced your behavior and mindset.
Do not forget that we are embarking on a process—we are a work in progress. There is no need to fret if we do not have immediate success. We also have to learn—and accept—that both the progress and the process are ongoing parts of our lives, and that we must embrace them daily, to ensure our health, wellness and vitality. In other words, we must embrace them daily to ensure our success!
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I’m Ruth Anita Foote, an award-winning journalist, historian, author, and online entrepreneur — passionate about helping you enhance your business, career, and lifestyle. Whether you need writing, editing, research, or online business development, I’m here to support your growth. My goal is to empower you to elevate your success and make a lasting impact in your field. You can connect to all my social media platforms through Linktr.ee.
