A Diagnosis I Never Expected
I never viewed myself as a People Pleaser. But it was a rude awakening when I took a personality test created by best-selling author Ruth Soukup—yes, my namesake.
The results puzzled me. I was labeled not only a People Pleaser, but also an Outcast. Strangely enough, I wore the Outcast label more comfortably. There was always a defiant part of me—the part that stood up, argued the case, and at times acted as bullish as my Taurus horoscope suggested.
Enter: Rachel—My Soap-Opera Alter Ego
And then there was Rachel.
If you grew up watching soap operas, you’ve met the “evil twin” character. From All My Children onward, there always was an alter ego waiting to spice up the storyline.
I never was trying to spice up anything at work, but when I lost my cool, my colleagues would knowingly look at one another, and say, “Looks like Rachel is here.” To be blunt, I confess—I was a total bitch at times.
As time passed, I recognized the wrong I had done, and deeply apologized. And—banished Rachel forever.
That doesn’t mean she hasn’t tried to pop up now and then, but I’ve learned to quickly silence her. While I was grateful not to be Sybil with multiple personalities, I was still surprised that a People Pleaser could coexist with a defiant Outcast within the same person.
The Subconscious Truth
The more I read, the more the truth became. No doubt, consciously, I never viewed myself as a People Pleaser. Subconsciously, it was there.
There was the polite part of me—the way we were raised—was to opt for manners, and not make waves. There was also my shy tendency, which my friends thought was hilarious because I had always been active, popular, and involved in everything.
But later in life, I realized: I was an introvert. And things finally made sense.
Introvert ≠ Shy
As introverts, we love people—but we love being to ourselves more. Small talk and gatherings drain our energy. Extroverts, on the other hand, thrive on it. They gain energy from the crowd. The more people, the more energy.
This revelation helped me understand something else: I really did care what other people thought of me.
I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I wanted people to like me.
But—not to the extreme of pretending to be someone else and live a fantasy life like people actually do, unfortunately on social media. I just wanted to avoid making enemies or being disliked.
In high school, I even tolerated my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend just to prove I wasn’t jealous. (I truly wasn’t—but for some reason, I needed her to know that.) Have since found out that is classic People Pleaser behavior.
Thankfully, I outgrew these outlandish tendencies. I admit that a few drops of people-pleasing DNA may still be swimming in my bloodstream, I’ve neutralized most.
Wisdom Has a Way of Clearing the Air
I’ve always wondered why, oh why, we couldn’t have the gift of wisdom decades earlier ago when we truly needed it.
Instead, you must wait until you grow older, and your priorities wise up. Not only do you stop sweating the small stuff, but you stop pleasing people, subconsciously or otherwise.
You simply live your truth—or as my friend says, “You DO you.”
Are You a People Pleaser?
If you ever wondered if you were a People Pleaser, and just didn’t realize it like me, here are 10 signs you may be, according to ChatGPT:
- You apologize often — even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
- You avoid conflict at all costs.
- You say “yes” when you want to say “no.”
- You fear disappointing others.
- You struggle to express your needs or desires.
- You feel responsible for other people’s emotions.
- You feel uncomfortable when someone is upset with you.
- You constantly seek approval.
- You feel drained from over-committing.
- You change your behavior depending on who you’re around.
There are actually pros and cons when it comes to the personality:
Pros and Cons of being a People Pleaser
Pros —
- You’re supportive—people feel safe with you.
- You’re considerate—relationships often flow more smoothly.
- You’re adaptable—you can read a room well.
Cons —
- You lose yourself—your needs go unmet.
- You become exhausted—constant pleasing drains your energy.
- You suppress your truth—resentment quietly builds.
How to Change: 10 Action Steps
But—if you want to grow beyond people pleasing, here are ten steps you can implement:
- Practice saying “no” without apology.
- Pause before agreeing to anything.
- Express your needs honestly and early.
- Set boundaries — and keep them.
- Allow others to feel their own emotions.
- Stop over-explaining yourself.
- Leave situations where you are not respected.
- Spend time alone to reconnect with yourself.
- Focus on what you truly want.
- Celebrate small wins when you assert yourself.
A New Year, a New Self-Understanding
Now that you’ve reached the end of your personality self-assessment, it’s a perfect time to start the new year fresh. It’s time to feel confident in knowing who you are, and improving yourself.
Remember, there is only one you.
So now, more than ever:
You DO you.
~ ~ ~
I’m Ruth Anita Foote, an award-winning journalist, historian, author, and online entrepreneur— passionate about helping you enhance your business, career, and lifestyle. Whether you need writing, editing, research, or online business development, I’m here to support your growth. My goal is to empower you to elevate your success and make a lasting impact in your field. You can connect to all my social media platforms through Linktr.ee
